


OBVIOUS JOKE

by OrangeOctopi7



Series: With Great Power Comes Yada Yada Yada [1]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen, Inspired By Tumblr, Let's make jokes about the fact that JK Simmons plays Ford and JJJ, Mystery Trio, Pre-Portal Incident (Gravity Falls), Spider-stan AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2019-10-19 19:49:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17607854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeOctopi7/pseuds/OrangeOctopi7
Summary: An exciting anomaly has been spotted not too far from Gravity Falls and Ford wants to take a look.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first ficlet to do with the awesome Spider-Stan AU concept that's just recently been created on Tumblr. See the original post here: https://artsymeeshee.tumblr.com/post/182271603305/au-where-fords-science-project-is-a-bunch-of

What with his fascination with all things weird and paranormal, Stanford subscribed to a number of newsletters dealing with cryptozoology, urban legends, and other strange sightings. There were the big ones, of course, like Weird Science Weekly, but Ford also liked to read the smaller, often local publications. They usually reported new finding and sightings long before they made their way into the bigger publications, and they often kept track of smaller patterns the bigshots couldn’t be bothered to print. 

 

It was in one of these smaller newsletters, Peculiar Pennsylvania, that Ford first read about the mysterious Spider Man. 

 

The article was short, with an eye-witness account of passing what had appeared to be a normal man in an alley, until the witness turned back and saw it scuttle up the wall like a spider. It was an interesting article, to be sure, but Ford probably would have forgotten all about it if it weren’t for the fact that a similar occurrence was later reported in Ohio. And then one in Florida. Then in Tennessee. Then a few in Texas. As time went on, Ford began to notice patterns in all these accounts. Each person would describe what appeared to be a homeless man sitting in a secluded spot, usually an alley. They would pass by him without a second thought, only to hear something move behind them. When they turned, the homeless man was no longer sitting where he’d been a moment ago. H was climbing up a sheer concrete or even glass wall, too fast to be human. Another common thread was that most every witness reported losing something valuable afterwards, typically cash or jewelry. 

 

Soon the cryptozoological community was abuzz with speculation on what this new cryptid could be. Was it human with special spider-like abilities? Was it some sort of creature that could take human form? Ford personally subscribed to the theory that it was an extra-terrestrial, observing the human race and collecting valuables to try and determine their importance. 

 

The Spider Man’s fame grew enough to make it onto an actual news station when two muggers were found in a back alley, a rain gutter tying them to a fire escape. They claimed they had simply been trying to collect some money they were owed when their victim leapt up the wall, higher than any human should be able to, pulled the rain gutter out of its bolts, and jumped down on them, knocking them over. He had then bent the metal around them with his bare hands, dragged them to a fire escape on the other end of the alley, and twisted what was left of the gutter around one of the escape’s supports. Some people thought the two criminals had just heard the stories of the Spider Man and tried to blame the urban legend in a poor attempt to either save face or keep their real attacker out of trouble. But the cryptozoologist and paranormal researchers saw it as further evidence that there really was a Spider Man. 

 

As the years passed, more and more reports, big and small, cropped up. Mostly they were just quick sightings here and there, but every once in a while there’d be another big story that could be tied back to the Spider Man. An arrested man disappearing out of his holding cell without a trace. A woman saved from assault when a masked stranger stepped in and fought off her assailants, then carried her straight up a glass wall to safety. A drunk driver who’d nearly hit a pedestrian, only for the would-be victim to jump straight over the truck. The reports happened all over the country, and while the cryptid’s movements could be tracked, it proved impossible to predict where it would show up next.

 

The Spider Man actually played a large part in Ford’s doctorate thesis. It was a prime example that new anomalies were still appearing and needed to be studied. It wasn’t all just old wives tales and overblown ancient legends. This was one of the points that ended up getting him his grant. 

 

So, imagine his excitement when he learned that the elusive Spider Man had been sighted as nearby as Portland! His normally single-minded focus on the portal project was broken, and he practically begged Fiddleford to come with him to search the city. 

 

McGucket remembered how his friend had combed through every weird publication he could get his hands on for more information about this mysterious cryptid during their college days. And honestly, from the state things had been in when he’d arrived at the cabin, it was clear Stanford had been spending too much time alone out here in the woods. A visit to the city would do him good.

 

Harder to convince was Stanford’s muse. He was less than thrilled to hear his chosen genius was distracted by another project.

 

“SERIOUSLY, IQ? YOU FINALLY GET THE HELP YOU NEED TO START BUILDING THE PORTAL AND THE FIRST THING YOU WANNA DO IS RUN OFF ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE?” Bill sounded completely unimpressed.

 

“It’s  _ not _ a wild goose chase!” Ford insisted, all at once feeling like he was in the middle of his thesis defence again. “This is a well documented cryptid with hundreds of eye-witness accounts over the past ten or so years, a clearly traceable trail of sightings around North and South America, I  _ know _ it’s real!”

 

“WHOA! EASY THERE SIXER!” Bill said defensively, “I NEVER SAID I DIDN’T BELIEVE THE THING’S REAL. IT’S REAL ALL RIGHT. BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS THE POINT OF YOU CHASING AFTER IT?”

 

Stanford was taken aback. True, Bill didn’t really ‘get’ a lot of human emotions and needs, but he thought his muse at least understood Ford’s thirst for knowledge and understanding. “The chance to study it, to learn more about it! Despite all the sightings, there’s still so much we don’t know! And who knows, it could bring me one step closer to my Unifying Theory of Weirdness!”

 

The dream triangle was still unmoved. “Y’KNOW, YOU’VE BEEN STUDYING STUFF WAY WEIRDER THAN THAT HERE IN GRAVITY FALLS FOR YEARS NOW, AND NONE OF THOSE ANOMALIES HAVE BROUGHT YOU ANYTHING BUT MORE QUESTIONS. WHAT MAKES THIS ONE DIFFERENT?”

 

“Well, maybe that’s just it!” Ford reasoned, “All the anomalies I’ve been studying so far have been native to the Gravity Falls area. Maybe studying something outside of Gravity Falls and comparing the differences will help me find the answer.”

 

Bill groaned. “YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME, FORDSY! YOU’LL FIND ALL THE ANSWERS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR ONCE THAT PORTAL IS FINISHED! I’M ALL YOU NEED!”

 

“It’s not that I doubt you.” Ford assured his muse, “This is just something that I’m personally interested in. We’ll only be gone a few days, then we’ll get right to work.”

 

Bill turned bright red and glared down at Ford, “FINE, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU WHEN YOU BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!”

 

Stanford couldn’t keep his last dream with his muse off his mind as they drove up to Portland. He really hoped he hadn’t offended his muse. Surely they couldn’t finish the portal project without Bill. Then they’d really be up the proverbial creek without a metaphorical paddle.

 

“Stanford, ya feelin’ alright?” McGucket asked, casting a sidelong glance at his friend. “You been awful quiet the whole trip.”

 

“Just thinking.” Ford said dismissively. “D’you think we’ll actually find it?”

 

“With how you attract crazy critters, I’d say there’s a high probability.” 

 

Soon they arrived at their hotel. Ford rummaged through his travel pack while McGucket checked in. He pulled out two polaroid cameras and dozens of packs of film.

 

“Gonna do some sightseein’?” 

 

Ford snorted. “Hardly. Did you know, despite all the eyewitness encounters, there’s never been a documented image of the Spider Man? We’re changing that tonight!” He pushed one of the cameras and half the film packs into Fiddleford’s arms. “Come on! I want pictures of Spider Man!”

 

_ (Author's note: I was this close to remaking the "19 disposable cameras!" scene but unfortunately disposable cameras didn't become common use until the LATE 80's so... Polaroids it is) _


	2. Who Are You Calling a Freak?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stanford and Fiddleford have traveled to Portland to search for the elusive Spider Man, but they may have bit off more than they can chew. Ford wasn't expecting to have to stand up for what he believes tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pulling double-duty here. I also posted this chapter as a part of Forduary 2019 because once again Ford's the main player here. It's really short, barely two pages, but I felt this was the best place to cut it. I'll be posting more soon as I can.

“Now, if’n I were a Spider Man in Portland, where’d I be?” Fiddleford mused to himself, fidgeting with the strap of his Polaroid camera as they got on a bus to explore Portland. 

 

“It’s typically been spotted in dark back-alleys.” Stanford recalled from the several articles he’d read. “Since it’s a seldom-seen cryptid, obviously we need to look in places that are seldom seen. Parts of the city that most people ignore.”

 

“The sewers?” McGucket suggested.

 

“... _ What!? _ ”

 

“Well, most folks ignore the sewers!”

 

“I have never come across  _ any  _ evidence suggesting the Spider Man might be found in the sewers.”

 

“I’m just throwin’ out ideas!” 

 

“Let’s consider what we know. It’s seldom seen, but when it is, it’s usually in a secluded back alley. Whatever it is, it seems to have an interest in helping people in trouble. It usually takes valuables.” Ford paced back and forth a few minutes, thinking hard. “The sketchier parts of the city seem like out best bet! Think about it! Fewer eyes around to see it, valuables that can be taken without drawing attention to itself, and a higher probability of people in danger for it to save!”

 

“It makes perfect sense!” McGucket agreed. He turned to the lady sitting across from them on the bus. “‘Scuse me, ma’am, d’you know where we can find the sketchy part of town?”

 

She just shot him a creeped-out glare and moved to the other end of the bus.

 

“This may be more difficult than expected.” Ford said flatly.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Eventually the two researchers found the perfect place. It was down by the docs, full of poorly-lit alley-ways and tall warehouses the Spider Man could crawl all over. Best of all, there were no people to be seen! 

 

“Maybe this weren’t such a great idea…” Fiddleford murmured. “Checkin’ the sketchiest place we could find seemed like a logical choice at the time, but I’m plum spooked!”

 

“Fiddleford, just imagine what would happen if we got that photo!” Ford encouraged his friend. “We’d be greats in the cryptozoological community! We might even be interviewed on television! Your mother-in-law might stop complaining about Emma-May marrying you instead of that doctor guy!”

 

McGucket’s resolve was strengthened by his friend. They both got our their cameras and started looking around for any evidence of cryptid activity. 

 

They’d been looking for several minutes when they heard something next to one of the larger warehouses. It came from the direction of a particularly dark alley they couldn’t see the end of.

 

“This is it!” Ford whispered excitedly, “Cameras ready!”

 

The two researchers rushed down the alleyway, snapping pictures as they went.

 

What they found was far scarier than any cryptid. It was a man, pointing a gun at them.

 

“You idiots must be new. Whoever hired you obviously didn’t let on exactly what you were getting into, did he?” The man said coldly, pointing the gun steadily at Ford’s heart.

 

“L-listen, we don’t want any trouble!” Ford stammered, “We’re just--”

 

“Oh lemme, guess, you’re lost?” A woman with a gun stepped around the corner behind them. “Then what’re the cameras for?”

 

“F-fellahs, please, let’s not do nothin’ rash. Th-this is jus’ a misunderstandin’!” McGucket pleaded.

 

The man responded by roughly yanking the camera away from Fiddleford and throwing it to the ground. “Who sent you?” The man asked. “The cops? Some stupid paper tryin’a print an  _ exciting expose _ ?”

 

“That cost me almost a hundred bucks…” Ford whined under his breath.

 

“Clearly they’re not with Rico’s guys, he’d never hire such morons.” The woman chuckled darkly.

 

“We’re not  _ with _ anyone!” Ford insisted. “We’re paranormal researchers, looking for the Spider Man! He’s been sighted around here!”

 

The man spat. “That  _ freak _ ? You two some of his fanboys?”

 

McGucket flinched. Not because of their assailant’s obvious disdain for their quest, but because he knew Ford was about to launch into a tirade that would  _ not  _ help their situation at all. 

 

“Who are you calling a freak!?” Stanford bristled. “Do you have a problem with the Spider Man just because he has powers that make him different from any human being? Powers that make him more powerful than you’ll ever be?”

 

“It’s more that I got a beef with him cuz he got me thrown in jail for two years, but you gotta admit, the crawling up walls and sticking to stuff is pretty creepy.”

 

“Creepy!? Oh,  _ he’s  _ creepy? You hold people at gunpoint in dark alleys, but the guy who’s saved multiple people is  _ creepy _ !”

 

“Stanford, now’s not the time…” McGucket whispered.

 

“You people make me sick!”Ford continued, undeterred, “If being ‘normal’ means hurting and using people weaker than you, if it means hating anyone and anything different, then I’m  _ proud  _ to be a freak!”

 

“Cool it,  _ freak _ !” The woman cocked her gun as a warning. She never did get to fire it, though. A shape scurried down the wall in the shadows. None of them saw it until a gloved hand reached out and yanked the firearm out of her grasp. 

 

The shape stepped out of the shadows, revealing a man dressed head to toe in blue and red. Blue gloves and pants, Dirty red parka and tennis shoes, and a cheap blue and red luchador mask that covered his whole face. Even the eyes were covered with a black mesh cloth.

 

“Wow, look at you, standin’ up for yourself!” The Spider Man complimented Ford. “But if you don’t mind, I’ll take it from here.”


	3. A Familiar Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford finds out the mysterious Spider Man is someone he's known for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Stan's finally in this! Enjoy.

 

Seeing the Spider Man in action, Ford’s previous theory that this was a visiting extraterrestrial seemed ludicrous. His every movement, his posture, even his voice exuded familiarity. How could he be anything but human? 

 

But at the same time, how could any human do these things? The Spider Man disarmed two gunners before either of them could fire, pulling the guns out of their hands without even closing his fingers around them. Their male attacker swore, and in one swift motion tried to stab the Spider Man. No one could have seen that coming, and yet the Spider Man pulled away and to the side, easily dodging it as though the assailant had clearly telegraphed the move. He retaliated with a powerful left-hook, knocking the man to the ground like a sack of potatoes. When he turned his attention to the woman, she was already running back out the alley-way. The Spider Man shrugged, obviously deciding chasing her was not worth it. He picked up the man like he was nothing more than an awkwardly shaped sack of flour, and not a sack of flesh and bones coming close to thee hundred pounds. 

 

“What were you idiots thinkin’?!” The Spider Man demanded. “Are you  _ trying  _ to get yourselves killed!? I’m lucky-- I mean you’re- you’re lucky I was nearby. What would I have-- uh, what would you have done if I wasn’t here?”

 

The two researchers were too stunned to say anything. They just stared at him with slack jaws.

 

“I-I gotta dump this guy someplace the cops’ll find him.” He made to leave.

 

“It’s really you!” Ford blurted out, finally finding his voice. He thought they’d be lucky if they just got to  _ see  _ the Spider Man, and not only had he saved their lives, he was  _ talking  _ to them now! 

 

“You… you know who I am?” The Spider Man tugged nervously at his mask.

 

“Of course I do! I’ve been following you since the beginning!” Ford grinned. There was something nagging at the back of his head, something about that familiarity, but he was too excited to stop and really think about it right now.

 

“Wait, seriously!?”

 

“Ah, well, not  _ literally  _ following you!” The researcher backpedaled, realizing that may have come off as stalkery. “But ever since that first article I found in Peculiar Pennsylvania, I’ve been following every publication and story about you I could find! I can’t believe we were lucky enough to find you!”

 

“You’ve been looking for me?”

 

“Well, just since you were sighted here in Portland, it’s the first time there’s been a sighting near enough for conducting a search to be feasible.”

 

“But… why? Why would you bother lookin’ for me?” 

 

“Are you kidding? You’re amazing! All those people you’ve saved, all those criminals you’ve apprehended, you’re a hero!”

 

The Spider Man made a sound half-way between a laugh and a sob. “Ford, you really  _ do _ still care!”

 

The second Ford heard the Spider Man say his name, that nagging familiarity in the back of his head clicked into place, and he realized who he was talking to just a split second before his brother pulled off the mask.

 

“ _ Stanley _ !?” 

 

Stan’s expression of euphoric joy quickly dropped to annoyance. “You said you knew who I was!” 

 

“I was talking about the  _ Spider Man _ ! I know all about the  _ Spider Man _ !”

 

“Well obviously not, if you didn’t know he was me!”

 

“What are you even doing here?”

 

“What am  _ I _ doin’ here? What are  _ you _ doin’ here!?”

 

“I already  _ told  _ you, you knucklehead!” 

 

“ _ What in the name of Charles Babbage is going on here!? _ ” Fiddleford finally shouted, interrupting the brothers’ argument. “Why does the Spider Man look like you? How do you  _ know  _ him!? This ain’t some, I dunno, shape-shiftin’ sorta thing-a-ma-bob, is it?”

 

“...Oh. Right. Sorry.” Ford apologized.

 

“Yeah, that’s another question, who the heck’s this yahoo?” Stan demanded.

 

Ford gestured towards McGucket, “Stan, this is my research assistant, Fiddleford McGucket.” he then pointed to Stan, “Fiddleford, this is my twin brother, Stanley.”

 

The two of them just stood there, looking the other over.

 

“I thought you said you hadn’t talked to yer brother since you was a teenager.” McGucket eventually said.

 

“I  _ hadn’t _ , until just now.” 

 

“Well, ain’t that just the craziest coinky-dink you ever heard of.” Fiddleford gave a low whistle.

 

“Research assistant, huh?” Stan scratched the back of his head with his free hand. “What, uh, what’re you studying?”

 

“You”

 

“The Spider Man”

 

McGucket and Ford said simultaneously.

 

“Huh. Well, uh, you want me to, I dunno,  pose for a photo or somethin’?”

 

“Yes!” Ford said quickly. “Mask on, of course.”

 

“An’ then I can dump this guy someplace the cops’ll find him.”

 

“And we’ll go our separate ways.” Ford nodded.

 

“Really!?” Fiddleford exclaimed, “We jus’ randomly ran into yer brother who ya haven’t seen in over a decade, he saves our lives and turns out to be the very cryptid we came here to study, an’ yer jus’ gonna go yer separate ways? Jus like that?”

 

“There’s a  _ reason  _ we haven’t spoken in so long, Fiddleford.” The young researcher said stiffly. “Besides, I’m sure Stanley has his own life to get back to

 

Stan harrumphed, folded his arms and looked away. “Yeah. Yeah, sure I do.”

 

They walked a few blocks until Stan found a dock he said the Coast Guard frequented. McGucket asked him to pull his mask back on and Ford took a few pictures, one of the Spider Man carrying the unconscious man like he was nothing, and a few of him climbing up the warehouse walls. Unfortunately, Ford didn’t get the thrill out of it he’d been expecting. Maybe it was because all the pictures were posed. Maybe it was because, now that he knew who the Spider Man was, there was no longer the thrill of the mystery. 

 

“...Thanks…” Ford said awkwardly when they were done.

 

“Don’t mention it.” Stan grunted in reply.

 

McGucket glanced between them, his expression stuck somewhere between perplexion and annoyance. “Well, I guess we’d better head back to the hotel.” He finally sighed.

 

The two groups had walked maybe ten feet away from each other when Stan turned around and shouted. “Wait! Uh… how far’s your hotel?”

 

“Downtown, just off the interstate.” Ford replied. “Why?”

 

“You yahoo’s aren’t gonna walk that whole way yourselves, are ya?”

 

“We’re taking the bus.” 

 

“That’s still far enough you two could get mugged. What’s the point of me savin’ your lives if you just go an’ get in trouble again?”

 

“I-is that likely?” Fiddleford stammered nervously.

 

Stanford sighed in irritation. It didn’t matter how likely it was, because now that the idea was in Fiddleford’s head, the inventor’s anxiety would latch onto the possibility and send him spiralling until he would jump at any little sound or movement.

 

“My car’s parked not too far from here. Lemme just give you guys a lift back to your hotel.”

 

Ford sighed. “Fine.” For Fiddleford’s sake, he told himself.

 

* * *

“I thought you said your car was close!” Stanford complained ten minutes later.

 

“It  _ is  _ close, if you can climb straight up an’ over buildings.” Stan defended. 

 

“Well how much further is it?”

 

“Uh, I think another block.”

 

“You  _ think _ ?”

 

“Hey, I don’t usually take the street!” 

 

Ford huffed. “It would have been faster to head for the bus stop.”

 

“Yeah, and you would’ve wandered through the roughest part of town at 11pm.”

 

Fiddleford shivered and took a step closer to Stanley. “Let’s talk about somethin’ else! Say, this gives us a chance to ask ya some questions, Stanley! Like, uh… how d’you stick to walls?”

 

“Uh… I don’t really know. I just sorta think about it, I guess.”

 

“Well, how’d you know that thug was gonna pull a knife on ya?”

 

“I dunno, sometimes I just  _ sense  _ danger.”

 

“How would you describe this sense?”

 

“I don’t know, ok? It’s like tryin’ to describe colors to someone who was born blind. Look, I don’t really get  _ how  _ my powers work, ok? I just know that they do.”

 

“Ok, that’s fine.” Fiddleford assured him. “I can ask some different questions. Like, hmm, where’d ya come up with that nifty outfit?”

 

Stan laughed awkwardly. “Heh, what, this? Just some stuff I’ve slapped together from thrift stores, honestly. Like, these pants’re just workout sweats. They got pockets an’ fleece linin’ and everything. I got another pair that’re lighter for the summer. An’ the mask? Got it at a yard sale in Mazatlan. Just cut some eyes out of an old black basketball jersey I picked up at the same time. Don’t really remember where I picked the gloves up at, probably some bargain bin at like, Walmart or something. And they gave me the coat at this homeless shelter I stopped at in Denver.”

 

“What?!” Ford exclaimed, turning to face his brother suddenly.

 

“What?” Stan repeated innocently.

 

“You said something about a homeless shelter!?”

 

“Oh! Ha!” Stan forced a laugh. “Did I say homeless shelter? I don’t… I don’t know why I said that. What I meant was-- Look, there’s my car!”

 

Sure enough, across the street behind a gated chain-link fence was the familiar red  _ El Diablo _ Stanford remembered from his teenage years. It even had the old STNLYMBL license plate. They reached a gate that was closed not with a chain and padlock, but a stout copper pipe bent around the end of the chain-link fence and the side of the gate. Stan grabbed the pipe and unbent it as easily as a normal person would unbend a paperclip. He pulled the gate open wide enough to allow the car to drive out and motioned for the two friends to enter.

 

Stanford struggled with a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts as he got in the car. Stanley had been in a homeless shelter!? No, no, Stan said that wasn’t what he meant! But he was obviously lying, wasn’t he? Or maybe not. Maybe Stan was helping someone else get to the homeless shelter? Stan was the Spider Man, and the Spider Man helped people, after all. And even if Stan  _ had  _ spent some time in a homeless shelter, it was his own fault, right?

 

“Hey, uh, sorry it’s such a mess.” Stan apologized, quickly grabbing as much junk as he could out of the front passenger seat and shoving it into the trunk. “I don’t normally give rides.” He moved to the back seat and shoved everything to one side, trying to make room for someone to sit back there.

 

“You go ahead and sit shotgun McGucket.” Ford insisted. “I’ve at least lived in Stan’s mess before.”

 

“Hey, I don’t remember you bein’ any cleaner!” Stan protested.

 

McGucket chuckled. “Yer cabin  _ was  _ a disaster area when I showed up, even fer a bachelor pad.” 

 

Ford rolled his eyes and got into the back of the car without further comment. Sure, he often got so caught up in his research that he forgot to clean, but at least he didn’t leave his clothes laying around in the back seat of his car! Or towels or toothbrushes or… was that a pillow? Then it dawned on him: Stan had been living out of his car. He really  _ was  _ homeless! 

 

The young researcher immediately tried to rationalize things. It made sense, really, with what he knew about the Spider Man. The Spider Man had been traveling all over North and South America, moving from one city to the next, with little rhyme or reason, never staying in one place for too long. It made sense that the Spider Man would live out of his car if he was traveling around so much! ...Or was he traveling around so much because he had to live out of his car?

 

Ford was about to ask his brother if he was homeless, but McGucket beat him to the punch with another question.

 

“So how’d ya come to be the Spider Man?”

 

“Well, I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to become a superhero, I can tell ya that much.” Stan replied. “It kinda just happened. I got spotted by a few obsessive nerds like my brother here, sent a few jerks to jail, saved some innocent people, and the next thing I know I’m hearin’ AM radio shows and readin’ obscure articles about my exploits, callin’ me ‘The Spider Man’. And, y’know, I decided to just run with it.”

 

“Ah. Suppose that makes sense.” McGucket nodded. “But I mean, how’d ya come to have these powers? Obviously ya weren’t born with ‘em, or else Stanford woulda known about ‘em.”

 

Ford perked up, listening intently. He’d been wondering that himself, but hadn’t quite had the courage to ask. He had an uneasy feeling he wouldn’t like the answer. 

 

Stan stared Ford down through the rear-view mirror for a long moment, almost as though he expected his brother to say something, before finally answering. “What, y’mean the almighty genius Stanford Pines hasn’t figured it out yet?”

 

“Enlighten us, Stanley.”

 

“It’s drivin’ you crazy that I know something you don’t, isn’t it? Y’know, I might just revel in this moment a little longer, really let it sink in.”

 

“ _ Stanley _ !”

 

“Alright, alright, fine, but only ‘cuz your friend here’s on the edge of his seat.”

 

Fiddleford was indeed giving Stan his full attention, a notebook and pen already in hand. “Golly, I wish I had my portable computer with me. Ah well, go on!”

 

Stan took a deep breath and fixed his brother with another hard look through the rearview mirror. “My brother ever tell you about his senior science fair project?”

 

“Uh, only that it was an unqualified disaster.” Fiddleford murmured awkwardly. He knew it was a touchy subject for his friend.

 

“What on earth does that have to do with your powers?” Ford growled.

 

“Just lemme finish! Anyway, Ford had genetically mutated a bunch of spiders using radiation.” Stan explained. “An’ it was winnin’ all the awards! Best in the school, best in the district, the works. Once it got to state, it got the attention of some big wigs from this fancy school called West Coast Tech. They wanted to offer Ford a full-ride scholarship if his project lived up to the hype when they came to see it. And I… I was scared ‘cuz my bro was movin’ on without me an’ I was statin’ to feel like I was gonna be stuck in Glass Shard Beach forever. I needed someone to blame, so I blamed the spiders.”

 

“Ahah!” Ford exclaimed, “So you admit it! You sabotaged my project!”

 

“That’s not what I said!” Stan defended. 

 

“You blamed the spiders, so you smashed their containment unit and killed them all!”

 

“That’s not what happened! It was an accident!” Stan pleaded.

 

“How do you  _ accidentally  _ smash a containment unit?”

 

“Just hear me out!” Stan shouted, slamming on the breaks as they came to a red light. Ford glared at him, and McGucket just watched them both like they were a particularly volatile mixture of chemicals just waiting for the right activation energy to explode.

 

“Like I said, I was mad.” Stan continued. “And I blamed the spiders. I went into the gymnasium and ranted about everything I was feeling to them. I shoulda talked to you instead, but I didn’t. Once I was done gettin’ all that off my chest, I slammed my fists down on the table to let off some steam. But I hit it too hard. The containment unit tipped off the table and cracked open when it hit the floor. I picked it up right away and tried to cover the crack with my hand to stop them from escaping, but one of the spiders bit me. It startled me, so I dropped it again. And I guess the shock of gettin’ dropped twice in such a short amount of time must’ve killed ‘em or something. 

 

“I shoulda found you and told you right away, but I panicked, and I was already startin’ to feel weird. My vision was swimmin’ and I had a killer migraine, the kind where you feel like all your senses have been turned up too high. So I ran home. After that… well, you remember.”

 

“ _ I _ don’t.” Fiddleford reminded them.

 

“When the representatives from West Coast Tech arrived, all I had to show them was a broken glass globe full of dead spiders.” Ford growled. “I looked like a fool in front of the people I was supposed to get a scholarship from! And what's worse, when I returned home, Stan tried to shrug it off like it wasn't a big deal! Like it was a  _ good _ thing I missed out on the scholarship because now we could go  _ treasure hunting _ like we'd dreamed of when we were kids! And he had the gall to fake sick so Dad wouldn't kick him out! Not that it worked.”

 

“I  _ wasn't _ faking it!” Stan insisted indignantly.

 

“And I  _ still  _ don't understand how this has  _ anything _ to do with your powers!” Ford glared at Stan through the rear-view mirror. 

 

“You seriously still haven't figured it out!?” Stan huffed exasperatedly. “What kind of idiot genius are you?”

 

“I'm not seein’ the connection either.” Fiddleford admitted.

 

Stan rolled his eyes. “I get bit by one of those radioactive spiders. Right after that, my vision starts swimmin’ an’ I get a headache like my senses got turned up.” He repeated. Still all he got were blank stares. “The next morning I realized I didn't grab my glasses when Dad kicked me out. But I didn't need ‘em.”

 

“Because you never wore them anyway?” Ford asked flatly.

 

“I didn't need 'em 'cuz I didn't have eyesight problems anymore!” Stan corrected. “An’ less than a week after that, I started stickin’ to stuff!  _ All  _ my powers developed within a year of that day I got bit by one of your spiders.”

 

“Sweet sarsaparilla! Stanford, this is unprecedented!” Fiddleford exclaimed, “Do ya still got the notes on them spiders? Imagine if’n we could replicate these results!” 

 

The inventor continued to prattle on excitedly, but Ford was barely listening. He'd just been presented with evidence that completely changed his world-view. Whether or not Stan had been lying about the 'accident’ at the science fair, this was proof that Stan  _ hadn't _ been making up his sudden illness. It hadn't been an unsuccessful attempt to garner sympathy, it had been the early stages of a major postnatal genetic mutation. And that meant Stan had gone through all these probably horrifying changes alone, with no idea what was happening to him. And probably homeless. 

 

Ford was struck with a sudden sense of guilt. All these years he'd held a grudge against his brother, but now he realized Stan had just as much a reason to hold a grudge against him! But… could he really have made any difference? He imagined what would have happened if he'd known his brother was really sick; if he'd tried to stand up to their dad. At best he would have been sent to his room, and at worst he would have been invited to join his brother on the street. No, he couldn't have changed things then… but maybe if he hadn't held a grudge for so long, if he'd tried to reach out to his brother as soon as he left home himself, maybe he could have helped his brother then.

 

“Alright, we’re downtown near the interstate.” Stan said as he stopped at another stop light. “You two see your hotel from here, or is it further down the road?”

 

“It’s that one with the big green sign.” Fiddleford pointed to a building to their left. 

 

Stan pulled into the drop-off zone and parked in front of the door. “Glad I could help you two get back here safe. I know it’s hard for you, but  _ try  _ not to get into any more trouble for a while.”

 

He was rolling up the window and putting the car back into drive when Ford made a split second decision.

 

“Stan, wait!” He raced forward and grabbed the closing window.

 

Stan stopped cranking the window up and shifted back to park. “What?” he asked apprehensively.

 

“I-I think we could have a mutually beneficial situation here.”

 

“English, Sixer!”

 

“W-we could help each other! You’ve gained remarkable control over your powers on your own, but you don’t really understand  _ how  _ they work, correct?” 

 

“Yyyyeah….” Stan said slowly, not quite catching on to where his brother was going with this.

 

“Think how much more you could do if you learned the ins and outs of what your body can do now! There might be things you’re not even aware you’re capable of yet! And even beyond your powers, we could help you become a better crime-fighter! Fiddleford’s a real whiz with gadgets, and just a while ago I was working on a device I couldn’t quite get to work, but I think it’d be perfect for you.”

 

“You… you want me to come back with you guys? So you can do experiments on me?” Stan asked warily.

 

“Not like  _ that _ !” Ford assured him. “We’d just like to study you and run some tests…. Ugh, there really isn’t any way to make that sound better. What I’m trying to say is, I wouldn’t ask you to do anything you wouldn’t feel comfortable with.”

 

Stan still looked skeptical.

 

“And you’d have some place to stay! I might even be able to pay you if the grant committee accepts my proposal for another research assistant.”

 

Stan sighed forlornly, and for a terrible moment Ford was afraid his brother would turn him down, but instead he asked. “What time are you leaving?”

 

“Around 11am tomorrow morning.”

 

“And where is it we’re going back to?”

 

“Gravity Falls, Oregon.

 

“Never heard of it.”

 

“Well, most people haven't. It’s a small logging town in the backwoods.”

 

“Alright. I’ll meetcha back here at 11 tomorrow an’ follow you back to Gravy Falls.”

 

“Gravity Falls.”

 

“That too.”

 

Ford tried to stop himself from grinning. “Thank you, Stanley.”

 

“Yeah, well, I’m only goin’ so I can keep an eye on you an’ your scrawny friend. Last thing I need is a postcard from Ma sayin’ you’ve been eaten by bigfoot.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Stanley, the largest prey a Sasquatch will bother with are beavers.”

 

Stan quirked a small smile. “See you tomorrow, nerd.”


	4. Responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan's a little apprehensive about following his brother into the woods, for various reasons. Meanwhile, Ford's determined to take care of his responsibility, despite what others might say or think.

_ What am I doing? _ Stan asked himself for the umpteenth time that morning. He was sitting in the parking lot beside the hotel Ford was staying in, fidgeting restlessly as he waited for them. He’d gotten impatient and just drove over at 10 am, even though he knew they probably wouldn’t be leaving for another hour. 

 

Maybe he’d come here because being so close made it just a little harder to run away. And there was a big part of him that wanted to run away. Who was he fooling? Things were never going to be the same between him and Ford. He was just setting himself up for disappointment, he should know better by now. 

 

 _But Ford_ _asked_ _me to come._ He reminded himself. _He_ _asked_ _me_ _. He's a straight-forward guy, he wouldn't ask me to come if he didn't actually want me around…_ Still, the doubts in his mind persisted. _If I bail on him now, after he asked me to come with him and I said yes, that'll just give him one more reason to hate me. The second he doesn't want me around, then I can leave._ That was reasoning both his hopes and his fears could get behind. 

 

Finally, just ten minutes before check-out time, Ford and his assistant, Mc-Whats-his-name, rolled into the parking lot with their luggage. They loaded it into a small pickup truck parked just a few spaces away from Stan's car. The assistant got into the driver's seat, and Ford walked over to Stan’s already rolled-down window.

 

“Gravity Falls is pretty far out into the backwoods. It’s hard to find if you don’t know where to go, so follow Fiddleford closely.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know how to find my way around.” Stan schooled his expression to be as disinterested as possible. The last thing he wanted was to seem desperate. 

 

Stan followed the little truck out of the parking lot and onto the interstate. With every exit they passed, that rebellious fear inside him whispered:  _ You could just turn off here, and by the time they notice you’ll be long gone.  _ Each time Stan shook his head and pushed a little harder on the accelerator.  _ I’m not turning back now. These nerds need someone with sense to look after them.  _

 

And gradually, as he passed by more and more exits, his fears quieted and his hopes grew. Here he was, going on a road trip with his brother! Sure, they were in separate cars, but still! They’d be living together for the first time since the science fair incident. Maybe this was exactly what they needed to finally make things right between them.

 

He clamped down on the growing hope just like he’d clamped down on the whispering fears.  _ Don’t get your hopes up. No matter what I hope might happen, the only reason I’m being invited out here it to be a glorified science experiment.  _

* * *

  
  
  


After a couple of hours on the interstate, they finally reached the exit that would take them to Gravity Falls. Of course, there was still a good hour of driving down the winding timber roads of Roadkill County before they reached the cabin. Ford glanced into the rearview mirror to make sure Stan was still following them. Yes, there was the STNLYMBL license plate, right on their tail. 

 

“You been checkin’ that rearview mirror so much, you might as well’ve sat backwards the whole trip.” Fiddleford joked.

 

“Just… making sure he made the exit.” Ford said stiffly.

 

“Don’t worry, if’n he makes a break for it, I’ll let you know.”

 

“Do you really think he’d do that?” the researcher asked his friend worriedly.

 

“I dunno, he’s  _ your  _ brother.” McGucket shrugged. “But we  _ are  _ bringin’ him out to a cabin in the middle of nowhere to do experiments on him. If’n it were  _ me _ ,  _ I’d  _ run, even if it were my kin doin’ it.”

 

“I’m not going to treat my own brother like a lab rat!” Ford bristled. “I know ethics isn’t a strength for either of us, but I do have  _ some  _ morals. Stan underwent a major postnatal genetic mutation that completely altered his senses and physical abilities. He seems to be stable now, but from the sound of it I don’t think he’s had so much as a checkup since then. What if that rapid mutation had a negative impact on his health? I know he  _ seems  _ fine, but what if it weakened his immune system? What if it accelerated his cellular degeneration? What if the mutation is continuing, but it hasn’t physically manifested yet? What if it’s shortened his lifespan? What if-- ”

 

“Stanford, calm down! I get it, you just wanna make sure yer brother’s ok. But does he know that?” Fiddleford jerked a thumb back at the red car following them. 

 

“I highly doubt Stanley would have agreed to come if he didn’t.”

 

“I dunno… back in Portland you were just goin’ on and on about helpin’ him develop his powers and be a better crime fighter. Seemed like you were less concerned about yer brother and more concerned about the Spider Man.”

 

“Well I don’t want to alarm him! My fears about heretofore unseen effects of the mutation are currently just that, fears. I don’t see any reason to worry him with them until we have evidence that he might be in danger.”

 

Fiddleford nodded. “Makes sense, I guess. It’s just, I know things between you and yer brother are strained.”

 

“That’s a gross understatement.”

 

“I’m just sayin’, it’d probably do you some good to extend an olive branch, so to speak. He probably won’t wanna stay long if’n he feels like you only brought him here because of his powers.”

 

“I doubt Stan will want to stay long regardless. He has his own life to get back to, being the Spider Man. I suspect he only agreed to come in the first place out of some sort of familial obligation.”

 

“Maybe.” McGucket didn’t sound convinced.

* * *

  
  
  


It was late afternoon when they finally reached the cabin. Stan gave a low whistle as he got out and stretched. He’d always stuck to the cities after he left home; it was easier to pickpocket on a crowded urban street than some podunk town. This was the first time he’d ever been in a densely wooded area like this. It was beautiful.

 

“D’you need help unpacking?” Mc-Whats-his-name asked.

 

“Nah.” Stan shook his head and grabbed his pillow and an armful of clothes. As he looked up at the cabin, with its peaked roof and many triangular windows, he began to feel uneasy. His fears were getting the better of him.  _ Better not unpack too much. I’ll be lucky if he lets me stay more than one night. _

 

“Come on, Stanley, I’ll show you where you can stay, then I want to get started right away.” Ford called from the porch, already carrying his luggage into the house.

 

Stan followed his brother inside and up the stairs. He paused on the landing when his eye caught the strange design on the rug beneath his feet. It was a gold triangle on a red background, with a single piercing eye in the center and lines radiating out from it. He felt his spider-sense twinge. That was weird. His spider-sense had always been a full-on warning of oncoming danger, like all his nerves were yelling “Watch Out!” at once. This was different. He felt the same way looking at this image that he used to feel whenever he was up someplace high. Like an alarm bell was going off in his head saying “This is Dangerous!”

 

“What’s this?” He asked Ford, who had noticed him stop and look down at the floor.

 

Ford’s eyes grew wide with surprise for a moment, but then he grinned like Stan had just asked him to brag about one of his experiments.

 

“Oh yes! That! It’s a, uh, cryptid I’m personally very interested in. This image is found all over the world, in countless times and cultures, but the, um,  _ creature  _ itself only seems to, ah, show up for one particular person, once a generation. I’ve seen it depicted in some cave paintings not far from here. Beautiful, isn’t it?”

 

“More like creepy.” Stan shuddered.

 

Ford’s grin flipped to an annoyed frown. “Well, I suppose there’s no accounting for taste.” He sniffed.

 

“I think that thing’s creepy too.” Fiddleford whispered to Stan as Ford continued up the stairs. “He’s got ‘em all over the house, gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

 

“Yeah, well, Ford always loved his creepy junk.” Stan shrugged and followed after his brother.

 

They reached the attic and what was clearly meant to be a storage room, although there was a full-size mattress sitting under yet another triangular window.

 

“Here were are.” Stanford spread his arms wide, “Sorry it’s such a mess, obviously I wasn’t expecting to bring anyone else back with me from Portland. You can just shove everything into that corner behind the door. I’ll find some sheets for you before you go to bed.”

 

Stan took it all in as he plopped his pillow and the few clothes he’d brought in with him on the mattress. “Still nicer than most of the motels I’ve stayed in.”

 

Ford frowned again and exited the room. “Well, like I said, I want to get started right away. I think we’ll just start with some bloodwork and a basic checkup.”

 

“Bloodwork?” Stan grimaced. 

 

“Don’t be such a baby, Stanley, it’s just a finger-prick.”

 

So Stan followed his brother back down the stairs and into what appeared to be a library. There were bookshelves everywhere, but there were also quite a few experiments in various stages of completion set out on some tables, so it was really hard to tell the purpose of the room.

 

“We’re gonna do blood work in here?” Stan asked.

 

“Of course not, it’s not sanitary! We’re going down to the lab.” Ford stepped over to the bookshelf sitting closest to the door into the hallway and pushed aside a few books on the top shelf, revealing a hidden panel in the wood. He pushed it aside, pressed a series of buttons, and the bookshelf swung open like a doorway.

 

“...Ford, do you have a  _ freakin’ secret lair _ under your house?”

 

“Yep!”

* * *

  
  
  


Stanford drifted off to sleep quickly that night. It had been a long day, what with the three-hour drive and trying to make his previously estranged brother feel at home up in the attic, all the while taking blood samples and running tests on said brother to make sure his superhuman mutation wasn’t slowly killing him. So far everything looked fine, but the results of the blood samples wouldn’t be done until tomorrow night.

 

Ford was a bit surprised when Bill appeared to him that night. Usually the muse’s visits were few and far between, a rare, privileged occasion. But ever since work on the portal began, these dream-visions were becoming more and more regular. 

 

“GOOD, YOU’RE FINALLY BACK. BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’VE BROUGHT ANOTHER DISTRACTION BACK WITH YOU!” 

 

“I know I said I’d get right back to work on the portal when I returned,” Ford said sheepishly, “But I didn’t expect to actually  _ meet  _ the Spider Man, and I certainly didn’t expect him to be  _ Stanley _ , of all people!” 

 

“YEAH, CRAZY COINCIDENCE. I’M JUST HAVING A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING  _ WHY  _ YOU’D BRING HIM BACK WITH YOU TO STUDY WHEN YOU’VE  _ ALREADY  _ GOT YOUR HANDS FULL WITH THE PORTAL PROJECT.”

 

“I didn’t bring Stanley back just to study!” Ford insisted. “Why does everyone have such a hard time seeing that? Undergoing a major genetic mutation like that could have some serious consequences on his body systems. I just want to make sure there aren’t any hidden side-effects.”

 

“SO YOU’VE GOTTA PUT YOUR WORLD-CHANGING MAGNUM OPUS ON HOLD FOR YOUR DEADBEAT BROTHER.” Bill sighed in irritation. “THIS IS WHY I CUT TIES WITH  _ MY  _ FAMILY A  _ LOOOOONG  _ TIME AGO.” 

 

“I-I’ve cut ties with my family, for the most part….” the researcher stammered. He didn’t want his muse to think he was weak. “But I’m largely responsible for Stan undergoing these mutations, and as such it’s my responsibility to ensure they won’t have any negative long-term effects on him!”

 

“SURE.  _ RESPONSIBILITY _ . I’M SURE THE IRRESPONSIBLE LOSER WHO USES HIS INCREDIBLE POWERS TO PICKPOCKET AND GET HIMSELF OUT OF JAIL FREE WILL APPRECIATE THAT. I DON’T BLAME YOU FOR BEING JEALOUS.”

 

“What? I’m not  _ jealous  _ of Stan! Far from it!” The thought had never even crossed Ford’s mind.

 

“C’MON SIXER, LET’S BE REAL HERE. YOU DID ALL THE WORK OF RESEARCHING THE EFFECTS OF RADIATION ON SPIDERS, OF RAISING THEM, OF STUDYING THEM. AND THEN YOUR BUFFOON OF A BROTHER TIPS OVER THEIR CAGE AND  _ HE  _ GETS ALL THE POWERS AND THE FAME OF BEING THE  _ SPIDER MAN _ . AND WHAT DO YOU GET IN RETURN? SHUT OUT OF YOUR DREAM SCHOOL! WHO  _ WOULDN’T  _ BE JEALOUS?”

 

Ford hadn’t even connected these dots, but now that Bill mentioned it, the muse made some very good points.

 

“YOU WISH IT WAS YOU.” Bill said in a sing-song voice.

 

“Yes.” Ford heard himself say, although he hadn’t consciously thought that. “I mean, no!” He corrected quickly. “It seems that Stan’s suffered quite a bit despite his powers. Maybe even because of them. And without either of us realizing it, his role as the Spider Man helped my thesis that led to my research grant. I might not be here today if it wasn’t for him.”

 

“OH, I THINK YOU’D STILL BE HERE.” Bill assured him, “FATE BROUGHT YOU TO ME. IT’S YOUR DESTINY TO OPEN THE GATEWAY. I’M JUST WORRIED YOUR BROTHER BEING HERE WILL LEAD TO TROUBLE.”

 

“He won’t.” Stanford assured the muse.

 

“YOU’RE SURE YOU WON’T GET DISTRACTED AND LOSE YOUR RESOLVE?”

 

“Absolutely. I’ll make time to work on the Portal, don’t worry.”

 

“OK, BUT REMEMBER, I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU. IF YOU WANT YOUR GRAND UNIFYING THEORY OF WEIRDNESS, YOU’RE GONNA NEED ME AND THAT PORTAL.”

 

“I know, I know, and I’m very grateful. I just need to take care of Stan first.”

 

“WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT’S THE MOST I CAN ASK OF A MORTAL LIKE YOU.” Bill said with a long-suffering sigh. Ford frowned like a kicked puppy. The last thing he wanted to do was disappoint his muse. “BUT HEY, JUST TO SHOW THERE’S NO HARD FEELINGS, HOW ABOUT A GAME OF INTERDIMENSIONAL CHESS BEFORE I GO?”

 

“Yes! I’d love that!” the researcher agreed eagerly.

* * *

  
  


Stan woke with a start in the middle of the night when his spider-sense went off. It was yet another strange twinge like earlier in the day when he’d seen the rug. But this one was ten times stronger. He jumped out of bed and looked around wildly, but he couldn’t find anything that could be setting off his internal alarm. 

 

What was going on? Normally his spider sense let him know exactly where the danger was coming from before any normal person even realized there was something wrong. Then Stan would jump out of the way and the indescribable sensation would pass. But this weird twinging spider-sense wasn’t going away, and he couldn’t seem to find what was making him feel so twitchy.

 

Maybe it was coming from outside? Stan cracked the window open and crawled out onto the exterior wall. He didn’t see anything, even after he climbed up onto the roof for a better view. And it wasn’t like much could hide in the bright light of the nearly-full moon. 

 

“What the heck is going on?” Stan whined to himself. The continuous tingling of his spider-sense was really starting to grate on him. It was making him want to scream, but he didn’t want to accidentally wake up Ford, or his assistant.

 

Wait, that was it! The whole reason Ford had brought him up here was to study the Spider Man’s powers, maybe Ford could figure out what was wrong! Stan climbed back in his window and snuck down the stairs, trying to remember where his brother’s room was. 

 

Ford was clearly dreaming when Stan found him, but the prolonged spider-sense ringing in Stan’s head made it a bit harder to care. The con man not-so-gently shook his brother awake.

 

Stan gasped when his brother’s eyes snapped open. For just a split second, they glowed a sickly yellow. But it must have been a trick of the moonlight, because he blinked and Ford’s eyes were their normal earthy brown, and blinking blearily awake.

 

“What… why…?” The researcher blinked a few times as he tried to figure out what had woken him. He frowned in annoyance when he realized it was his brother. “Stanley what do you think you’re doing? Why did you wake me up?” He demanded.

 

“Y’know how I said I can just sense danger some times? Well I’m sensing it now!” Stan explained, “I’ve been feeling weird ever since I got here, and just a few minutes ago it woke me up when it got worse. I tried to look around to see what was causing it but I can’t find anything! And…” He trailed off.

 

“What?”

 

“It stopped.” Stan said in confusion. “Just about when you woke up, it stopped.”

 

“Great, then go back to bed. And don’t ever wake me up unless there’s an emergency, I need my sleep.”

 

“This is an emergency! Or it was! I dunno, this has never happened before!”

 

Stanford yawned dismissively. “I have a theory that this danger sense of yours actually detects weirdness. It’s acting up now because you’ve never been in a place with such a high concentration of weirdness before. I promise I’ll look into it later, just let me go back to sleep.”

 

Stan wanted to argue that his spider-sense had never acted as a weirdness detector before, but he could also see that he wasn’t going to get any more out of Ford until morning. And the sensation had passed. Maybe he would be better off waiting until daylight to try and figure out what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20-8-1-20 20-9-20-12-5 23-15-21-12-4 13-1-11-5 7-15-15-4 11-5-25, 23-15-21-12-4-14'20 9-20?
> 
> Klw hsrva pn oqlafrltbg szf azeg. Fftwuiydg owh qy Fvvg Qcl uiuksml me, cgj kbf'b mqdbxl ks zxa.
> 
> Nfl smltew? Tyl iwrk ejbs ghsi jsbwyq? Lpv'e utiv qw aohyp.


	5. Liars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McGucket's getting tired of these boys and their emotional issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it's been so long. I've been busy with gradschool stuff and also I've been distracted by other fandoms. I'd say "hopefully the next chapter will come sooner" but the truth is grad school applications open up again next month and I want to finish those before Pokemon Sword & Sheild come out, so I'm gonna be busy until November, possibly December.
> 
> But hey, maybe there'll be a day when I really need a break and I'll come back to fic writing, we'll see.

It had only been a couple of days, but already Fiddleford was about ready to smack these brothers. They barely spoke to each other, and when they did, it was clear they were walking on eggshells. Every so often, either Stan or Ford would take a bitter tone with the other, and McGucket hoped they were on the brink of actually talking about their issues, but each time, it just resulted in a heated argument. Twice now, Stan had driven off in his car, and Ford had stormed out into the woods. Ford came back first, worrying that Stan had left for good this time. Each time Stan had eventually returned, murmuring that he knew Ford wanted to run more tests.

 

That was another thing that had been bothering McGucket. The tests they’d run the first day had been interesting, to be sure. Stan’s nervous system, his immune system, all of his senses, were faster than any normal human’s. But there was nothing to indicate that his mutation was continuing or that it had any ill effects on Stan. If anything, Stan was  _ healthier _ than he should have been, considering his living conditions. But Ford insisted on running more each day. Testing the extent of Stan’s strength, his flexibility and reflexes, whether he could see in the dark, how he stuck to walls, anything, it seemed, that Ford could think of. Fiddleford couldn’t help but think this went far beyond just checking to make sure Ford’s brother wasn’t negatively affected by his mutation. 

 

McGucket decided to air his grievances while he and Ford were alone, looking at some X-rays of Stan’s hands.

 

“Incredible! Look at this!” Ford pointed to some faint lines running between the phalanges and metacarpals, “Normally, in a human being, these muscles are vestigial, useless. But Stan’s mutation somehow enlarged and invigorated them. That must be how he can hold himself up just by sticking to a wall!”

 

“Well, that certainly is fascinatin’.” McGucket agreed. “D’you think it’ll lead to overcrowding with his other muscles? Arthritis? Carpal-tunnel?” 

 

“Mmm, no. Stan’s hands are rather large and meaty. There should be plenty of room. And it actually lessens the stress on his joints.”

 

“I see....” McGucket nodded, making a mental note to try and replicate the effect on a robotic joint later. “Ford, don’t ya think this is beginnin’ to go well beyond jus’ lookin’ after yer brother’s health? It’s pretty clear he’s fit as a fiddle, heck, even more fit than yer average athlete!”

 

“Well… yes, but… there’s still more to do… to, uh, study the long-term effects…”

 

“Stanford, please, you gotta start bein’ honest with yerself. And with him!”

 

Ford flinched. “Him who?” he asked nervously.

 

“Your  _ brother _ ! Who else?”

 

“Oh. Of course. I-I mean…” the researcher huffed a short sigh. “I know, sooner rather than later, he’ll decide he’s had enough and leave. I’m just trying to learn as much as I can from him until then.”

 

“Well, he’s already left twice, and ya spent a good hour or so worryin’ he was never gonna come back.”

 

“Be-because if he leaves, we’ll lose a great research opportunity!”

 

“But he’s come back each time. Supposedly because he knows ya wanna run more tests on him.”

 

“Fiddleford, if you’re trying to make a point, would you please just get to it?”

 

“Alright, fine! You two keep dancin’ around yer issues, pretendin’ like yer jus’ here fer the sake of science, but it’s pretty obvious yer both hopin’ that somehow bein’ in the same place long enough is gonna somehow make everythin’ right. But it ain’t! Nothin’ about whatever bad blood you two got betwixt y’all is gonna get solved unless ya both sit down an’ talk. An’ I mean  _ really  _ talk, not jus’ yellin’ or bein’ passive-aggressive all the time.”

 

Ford was taken aback by his friend’s bluntness. He spluttered for a solid thirty seconds before finally shouting, “It is  _ incredibly _ presumptuous of you to make assumptions as to why I choose to keep my brother around, let alone deem yourself qualified to offer me advice on how to conduct my own family matters! And while we may be old friends, I shouldn’t have to remind you that while you are here you are technically my  _ employee _ . As such,  _ keep your overly-large nose out of my personal business _ !”

 

“Personal business!?  _ I’m _ the one who has to _ live  _ with both of ya!” Fiddleford retorted, then stormed out of the lab.

 

“I’m not  _ forcing _ you to stay here!” Ford shouted after him. “You could get a room at the motel if it bothers you that much!”

 

McGucket’s raging mood quickly dissipated as he took the elevator back up to the main floor. He hadn’t had an angry outburst like that in a while. He wasn’t nearly as short tempered as those Pines twins, but even the mild-mannered inventor just lost his cool sometimes. 

 

“Good to see I’m not the only one he has shouting matches with.” Stan commented from the chair sitting in front of the TV when McGucket passed. Oh right. Enhanced senses, including hearing.

 

“How much did you hear?” Fiddleford asked. 

 

“Eh, more the volume than actual words.” Stan shrugged.

 

McGucket briefly considered telling Stan how much Ford had worried each time he left, telling him exactly what he’d told his brother. But Fiddleford had a feeling Stan would have a very similar reaction, except the con man’s temper was even worse than his brother’s.

 

Instead he settled for a beleaguered “You two’re gonna drive me off the deep end.”

 

* * *

  
  


It didn’t take long for Ford to regret his words. Sure, he was mad that McGucket would try and wheedle his way into the brothers’ issues when the inventor clearly didn’t understand the complexities of their relationship, or the extent of the betrayal Ford still felt. But the inventor’s heart was in the right place, and he  _ was _ the one who had to live with the feuding twins. And while Ford had been truthful in telling Fiddleford he was free to leave, that certainly didn’t mean Ford  _ wanted _ him to go. Just the opposite, in fact.

 

Stanford had never felt lonely after moving out to the woods of Gravity Falls, oh no. He’d kept far too busy exploring and studying for that. But after Fiddelford had moved in, the researcher found he preferred his friend’s company to solitude.

 

Of course, if McGucket were to move out now, Ford would  _ not  _ be returning to solitude. He’d be sharing his cabin with Stanley.

 

Stanford decided he really needed to apologize to Fiddleford.

 

The researcher hastily put away the x-rays and the other print-outs he’d be going over and rushed into the elevator. He hummed impatiently as it creeped back up to ground level. Once he reached the kitchen, he rummaged around the pantry until he found a can of those baked beans McGucket liked, heated it up over the stove, and began searching for his roommate so he could extend the peace offering.

 

He found McGucket just as the researcher was finishing a conversation over the phone.

 

“...Uh-huh. Yeah, I’ll leave as soon as I can. See ya soon. I gotta go sugar.” He said when he saw Ford enter the hall. “Love ya.” He hung up the phone.

 

“You’re leaving?” Ford asked, trying not to sound hurt. He’d known his harsh words would probably come back to bite him, but he hadn’t expected it to be so soon!

 

“Uh, that’s right…” Fiddelford began awkwardly. “I jus’ spoke with Emma-May an’--” 

 

“Fiddleford, I’m sorry, alright? I shouldn’t have yelled, and I  _ certainly _ shouldn’t have insinuated you might be fired, or insulted you. But please, don’t leave!” Ford pleaded. “I’ll admit, the situation with Stanley is volatile, but that’s why I need you here now!”

 

“Calm down, calm down!” McGucket placated him. “I ain’t leavin’ fer more’n a few days. I was tryin’ to tell ya, Emma-May’s sick, an’, well, she needs me to come take care of Tate ‘til she gets better.”

 

“O-oh.” Ford squeaked out once his mind processed what his friend was saying. McGucket was leaving, but it wasn’t because he was mad, it was because of a family emergency. That was almost worse. Ford could try and apologize or talk his friend out of it if he was mad, but the researcher couldn’t,  _ wouldn’t _ , try and stop his friend from taking care of his family.

 

“What’s goin’ on?” Stan peeked into the hall, checking to see what all the commotion was about.

 

“Oh, uh, I was just tellin’ Ford I gotta head back home to help take care’a things while my wife’s sick.”

 

Stan scrutinized McGucket carefully, taking in his expression and stance, before glancing at Ford briefly. “Uh-huh.” the con-man grunted.

 

“So, I’ll be leavin’ soon as I get packed. Are… are you gonna be fine here, just the two of ya?”

 

“Sure,  _ mom _ .” Stan rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” Ford folded his arms defensively.

 

“ _ That’s not really what I’m worried ‘bout. _ ” McGucket muttered under his breath. “Oh! Are those baked beans?” He exclaimed, like he’d only just noticed the pan Ford was carrying, “I think I’ll go eat these before I pack.”

 

With that, the inventor made his way to the kitchen, leaving the two brothers alone, with the fact that they were about to spend a lot more time alone together hanging over them.

 

Stan shook his head. “He’s a bad liar.” he said as soon as McGucket was out of ear-shot.

 

“What!?” Ford spluttered. “He’s not--”

 

“Just callin’ it as I see it.”

 

“He’s coming back!” the researcher insisted, even as his own thoughts doubted “He wouldn’t just leave…”  _ He wouldn’t just leave me like this. _

 

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll be back soon enough.” Stan agreed. “But his wife ain’t sick.”

 

“Oh, and is that another thing your ‘Spider Sense’ can detect?” Ford asked sarcastically. Ever since Stan had interrupted one of his visions with Bill, the researcher didn’t have a high opinion of that particular ability.

 

“Nah. You lie enough, and you get pretty good at tellin’ when other people are doin’ it. If his wife was really sick, you’d think he’d be a lot more concerned. I mean, you’ve mentioned he has issues with anxiety, but he doesn’t seem all that anxious about it. He  _ did _ seem keen on gettin’ out of here before we could ask him more questions about what’s wrong with her.”

 

“I think that if you lie enough, you start to assume everyone else must be lying too.” Ford said icily. Although he couldn’t help but remember a time a few years back when Fiddleford had gotten news his mother was sick. His poor friend had been so worried, he’d barely eaten the day he got the news.

 

“Whatever.” Stan harrumphed and turned back down the hall. “Honestly, I can’t blame the guy for wantin’ a break from all of this.” He gestured back and forth to himself and his brother. “Anyway, I’m gonna go see if there’s any of those baked beans left.”

 

* * *

  
  


That night, Ford had a hard time falling asleep.  _ Stan’s wrong _ . He kept telling himself. But a part of him couldn’t help wondering,  _ But what if he’s right? What if all this tension with Stan is driving Fiddleford away? What if he doesn’t come back?  _

 

When he finally did fall asleep, Ford was glad to find Bill waiting for him. He could really use a little help from a friend right now.

 

“HUH, YOU’RE LATER THAN USUAL. I DON’T THINK YOU’VE HAD THIS MUCH TROUBLE FALLING ASLEEP SINCE THE HAUNTED CABIN.”

 

“Sorry, I’m just really stressed right now, what with everything that’s going on with Stan and McGucket.”

 

“HEY, I WARNED YOU BRINGING YOUR BROTHER BACK HERE WOULD BE BITING OFF MORE THAN YOU COULD CHEW.”

 

“It’s not.” Ford said defensively, “I mean, yes, I’m a little more stressed than usual, but I can handle it.”

 

“OH SURE.” Bill rolled his eye, “THAT’S WHY YOU’VE KEPT WORKING ON THE PORTAL,  _ OH WAIT _ ! YOU HAVEN’T! AND NOW THE GUY WE NEED TO ACTUALLY START THE BUILDING PROCESS IS LEAVING!”

 

“That’s unfortunate, yes, but it’s not McGucket’s fault. His… his wife’s sick.” Ford explained, although there was a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

 

“YEAH, NO. YOUR BROTHER MAY BE AN UNTRUSTWORTHY LEACH, BUT HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING. FOUR-EYES WAS LYING TO YOU.” 

 

“Hey, Stan’s not--”

 

“OH, ARE YOU SAYING I’M WRONG? ME? THE ALL-SEEING EYE?”

 

“No, of course not!”

 

“HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU!”

 

Bill’s yellow bricks flickered like a television screen, and suddenly Ford was watching McGucket’s conversation on the phone earlier, from the perspective of one of the many effigies of Bill he had hanging in the house.

 

_ “Hey sugar, it’s me!” Fiddleford began the conversation. “Yeah, things’re, uh, things’re goin’ great here. But, you’ll never believe what happened last week! We were in Portland, doin’ some, er, some research, an’ guess what? Stanford ran into his twin brother!”  _

 

_ He paused and listened to her reply. “Yeah, he don’t talk ‘bout it much. They ain’t seen each other in over ten years. Anyway they, uh, need some time to re-connect, So I’m gonna head home, jus’ so’s I can give ‘em some space fer a bit.” _

 

_ Another pause. “Aw, naw, Ford said it’s fine! I don’t think it’ll be a problem! And besides, this way I’ll be home fer Tate’s first spring break!” _

 

_ “...Uh-huh. Yeah, I’ll leave as soon as I can. See ya soon. I gotta go sugar.” He said when he saw Ford enter the hall. “Love ya.” _

 

Ford shook his head in disbelief. “I-I don’t know what to say…” 

 

“WHAT’D I TELL YA, FORDSY? I’M THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN TRUST!”

 

On one hand, he was hurt that his friend would lie to him like that, but on the other, it was clear that poor Fiddleford just wanted to spend some time with his family, and Ford could hardly begrudge him that. All the same, there were those same thoughts that had been keeping him up earlier, only here in the Dreamscape, they echoed around him in surround-sound.

 

_ It’s my fault. I’m driving him away, all because I can’t get along with my own brother! _

 

“AW, DON’T FEEL SO BAD, SIXER!” Bill patted him on the back comfortingly. “IF THIS IS ANYBODY’S FAULT, IT’S YOUR DUMB BROTHER. HE’S THE ONE WHO BARGED BACK INTO YOUR LIFE JUST WHEN WE WERE ON THE BRINK OF CHANGING THE WORLD.”

 

“I know you don’t like me spending so much time studying Stan’s mutation. But it’s so incredible! We’ve only just scratched the surface of what he’s capable of! I know with just a little time and training, he could even help us build the portal!”

 

Bill didn’t look convinced. “FORGIVE ME IF I’M NOT SOLD ON BRINGING THE GUY WHO SMASHED YOUR SPIDER HABITAT TO SMITHEREENS INTO CONTACT WITH THE DELICATE WORKINGS OF A TRANSUNIVERSAL PORTAL.”

 

Ford frowned. “I know, but… but ever since I learned that Stan’s the Spider Man, I’m beginning to think… maybe he’s changed.”

 

“HA!” Bill laughed sharply. “I NEVER TOOK YOU FOR A SENTIMENTAL FOOL, STANFORD!”

 

“I’m serious!”

 

“I KNOW! THAT’S WHY IT’S SO HILARIOUS!” But Bill noticed Ford wasn’t taking this not-so-good-natured ribbing well. “HEY, DON’T LOOK SO SERIOUS, IQ, IT’S JUST THAT YOUR HUMAN SENTIMENTALITY IS SO FAR OUTSIDE MY PRIORITIES. IF YOU’RE SO DEAD-SET ON IT, GO AHEAD AND INCLUDE YOUR BROTHER IN ON THE PROJECT. EVEN IF HE DOES MESS THINGS UP AGAIN, YOU’VE GOT ME FOR DAMAGE CONTROL THIS TIME.”

 

“Thank you, Bill, I’ll do my best to make sure Stan doesn’t cause too much trouble.”

 

* * *

  
  


Once again, Stan woke in the middle of the night, his Spider Sense twinging. He was really getting tired of this. Not wanting another wild goose chase like his first night here, the conman tried just sitting quietly and concentrating on the unfamiliar sensation. It was so unlike his usual Spider Sense, and yet… somehow he knew it  _ was _ the same sense. 

 

Maybe this was a newly developing power, like Ford had predicted. Unfortunately, waking Ford in the middle of the night seemed to have ticked him off so much that now Ford didn’t want to hear  _ anything _ about the Spider Sense. And McGucket had left earlier that evening. So Stan was going to have to figure this out on his own. Ha. That wasn’t any different from his other powers.

 

As Stan sat focusing on the strange sensation for a few minutes, he finally though he could place a direction to it. It seemed to be coming from everywhere, but there was definitely one direction where it was the strongest. It was coming from downstairs.

 

Stan followed the sensation as quietly as he could, which was pretty darn quietly. It led him to Ford’s bedroom.

 

“Oh no, we’re not doin’ this again.” Stan muttered to himself. Ford had been mad enough the first time. Twice in one week, and he was sure to be kicked out. But still, he couldn’t help wondering what was going on. Was Ford in some kind of danger? Or maybe… Ford  _ was _ the danger?

 

“Great, now my Spider Sense is trying to protect me from  _ emotional _ harm.” Stan grumbled to himself as he climbed the wall back up to the attic.

* * *

  
  


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